The subject line was “An Angry Conversation with God.”
It was a poem I was writing on my iPhone Notes one morning in the teacher workroom before school started.
I would love to tell you that this was one of those “angry” Christian poems. The kind you write when you just want to feel cool and “real” with God. It seems to me that those “real” moments are usually fueled by the fact that we don’t feel anything about God at all and we jump to an extreme emotion to ignite things again.
That wasn’t what this one was. I was really angry at God. I wanted to lay into him.
I really wanted to hurt God.
Here’s a bit of it:
I woke up this morning and the clouds
Were that perfect shade of pink as if you
Had colored them just for me and I hate you for it.
I would call you a son of a bitch but you have no mother
Calling you a bastard is too in line with scripture
I will call you the worst thing I can think of: God
See? I wasn’t having a very good day. In fact, I hadn’t had a good day in a long long time.
For the past year I’ve been stuck in a job I really hate. In reality, hate may be too strong a word. Something about my job just pokes at my deepest vulnerabilities to the point that every day feels like a slow trauma leaving me in a pretty solid state of depressed shell-shock.
And I blamed God for it.
You see, I was a grad student before this and I have to admit I was pretty happy there. I loved doing what I was doing then and I can remember having conversations with my wife about how blessed I felt to get to do what I got to do everyday.
I miss that feeling.
I took this new job as an in-between thing after getting a second Masters degree. The plan was to lay low here and apply to PhD programs with the hopes that I would get in and leave the job after a year.
The funny thing about this plan was that I thought I could end up loving the new job so much that I didn’t even apply for PhD. Or if I got rejected I could simply be content to stay where I was for a long while.
Not so much.
From Day One I was pretty unhappy. The unhappiness only built as work-related pressure mounted and stress built up.
To make matters worse I began to get rejection letters towards the end of my work year.
First came the “hail mary” schools – places I had no business getting in to but had to go for because of their name: Yale, Chicago, Duke.
I applied to 10 schools: 3 had already rejected me by February.
By March I had been rejected by 4 more. The thoughts of having to repeat this process and having to deal with the complete and utter failure that would come along with it only piled on to an already bleak outlook on life.
On my Spring Break vacation I was rejected by what was probably in retrospect my top choice. At that point there were only two schools left.
Later, during the same vacation, I was rejected by another school. Only one program remained.
It began to feel like God had tricked me into thinking this new job was the best thing I could do only to revel in how tormented I was at this job. It was like God had planned to get me stuck in something I hated and be miserable for basically the foreseeable future.
And I got really, really angry at God.
—————————————-
Sometimes I think you only know you love God when you can get really angry at God.
If marriage is meant to be a sacramental vision for the Church then this makes a lot of sense to me. No one can hurt you and hate you the way your spouse can, and this ability is precisely the proof of a deep, abiding love.
——————————————-
The subject line was “Good News.”
It was email that came to my phone two days after I wrote the angry poem in the Teacher Workroom.
I caught the email during dismissal. All of the kids were standing around, laughing way too loud and yelling at each other. And I began to buckle as I read the email over and over again. I calmly walked away around the corner of the school and called my wife.
Then I said the words we’d both been dreaming of saying for 5 years:
We’re in.
Looking back, I should have seen it coming. God is the master of the unexpected but God’s also the master of giving to takers, and angry takers at that.
Jeremiah ran all the way to the place his fathers made their first promise to God. He ran all the way there just to yell at God. God didn’t yell back. Jeremiah found God in the silence after the fire and the thunder.
Sometimes when you spit in God’s face God breathes on you instead. I did that. And God gave me good news.
I really should have seen it coming.